Steven Seagal: from crap movies to fruit juices October 7, 2005
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Okay, as an Asian, I really don’t know if I should be offended by this. Steven Seagal, martial arts expert and star of action movies like Under Siege and Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, recently launched a new energy drink line called Lightning Bolt. And one of the flavors is entitled, you guessed it, the Asian Experience. The drinks are made with Tibetan Goji Berry, Asian Cordyceps, Gingko Biloba, Green Tea, and a whole host of other energy-boosting ingredients that I don’t really care about. What I want to know is, what the hell does an Asian Experience taste like? Does it taste like soy sauce and ginger? Does it taste like raw fish on rice? If you drink it, will you start to feel Asian? I think I’ll stop myself before I hash out more Asian stereotypes. Anyway, nothing Seagal could do could be possibly more offensive than his ponytail or any one of his recent movies. If you feel like you need some of this “100% Pure Steven Seagal Juice” (ewwww), then go ahead and order a can for $2.99 a pop. Me, I already have a lifetime’s worth of this “Asian experience.”
Editor and Contributor | Martin Lynch
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WHERE CAN I BUY THIS WHEEREEEEEE WHEEEEERE I NEED ALL THINGS SEAGAL
If this drink is anything like his films it will be used as a purgative by health services worldwide. Every mother will be urged to keep a can in the cupboard under the sink in case little Johnny drinks something that requires vomiting to be induced. That is so funny, I can't think of any other canned drink that has made me laugh out loud on sight! It even has his little sulky face on the bottom, daring you to find fault with his fizzy pop. "Each component was carefully chosen by Seagal to incorporate the greatest treasures of Asian medicine into an all natural energy boost." Oh yeah, I can just imagine him down the supermarket... got any yerba, mate? No? Then perish! Hiiiiiii YA!